That magic in your pants, it’s making me blush

Who says that? When was the last time you were hot for someone and made reference to that magic in their pants? Or even thought it? Well Kesha did and millions sang along.

 

In my opinion, the sentence falls apart at in your pants. That magic makes me blush, is better than pointing directly to the area in question. Magic is a subtler, more literary euphemism for hard-on than, say, rocket. And it might offer up an explanation for Justin Bieber’s harem wear - drawing attention to the big pile of magic in there?

 

Maybe I’m not sexed-up enough, or too parental, but in your pants conjures moms pulling open the back of their kid’s diaper, peering in, taking a sniff. “Someone needs a change, there’s a poopy in here.”

 

Why am I mentioning this? Because I had an idea – a money-making idea. I'm always looking. The odds on arts grants are greater than lottery tickets, but still slim. There’s teaching, but that requires a body of published work - likely more than the few nail clippings and hair trimmings I’ve put out there.

 

I’m not saying it’s easy, or that I could write the greatest lyrics ever. I’m not a poet, but I could do a better job than most of what’s out there. And regardless how rich and famous you are, do you want to be on the lists of stupidest lyrics ever? How about some clever words to match the snappy tunes?

 

The idea of writing good lyrics for popular musicians came to me in the car while listening to popular radio. I know they replay the same 25 songs but now and again I love them. I’m a car-dancer – banging on the wheel, moving my torso and hands, singing harmony. I particularly love doing it at a red light when my 13 year old is in the passenger seat and folks are in the car beside me.

 

“Don’t Ma, come on. There’s someone there.” Like I don’t know. He gets embarrassed but he laughs. Like being tickled, it’s both funny and painful at the same time.

 

After listening to the magic in someone else’s pants, I started thinking about other songs that make me laugh.

 

Some examples and some thoughts:

 

The Song: "Your Body Is a Wonderland" by John Mayer 
The line: "I love the shape you take when crawling towards the pillowcase"

 

Not only is this an un-sexy image, but it raises so many questions. What shape? Like a square? And why are they crawling to the pillowcase? Are they drunk and trying to make the bed? Is there a pillow in the case?

 

Suggested line: I love how committed you are to doing laundry

 

The Song: "My Love" by Justin Timberlake 
The line: "They call me candle guy, simply because I am on fire"

 

Justin must have forgotten Peter Gabriel’s powerful “You can blow out a candle but you can’t blow out a fire.” Yes, the image is stronger than say, match guy, but it conjures the scented candle vendor in the stall next to the fellow who sells pickles. Not, I suspect, the image Justin was after. And I’m not a scientist or pyrotechnic person, but I think that lit candles are not technically on fire.

 

The Song: "Firework" by Katy Perry 
The line: "Do you ever feel like a plastic bag/Drifting through the wind, wanting to start again?"

 

How many plastic bags talk about their shitty directionless life and desire for a new beginning? And what might they become? Doctors? (I for one will not be letting a plastic bag do my colonoscopy.) And really, don't you think blowing in the wind is a better bag's life than schlepping my crap around.

 

The song: Bed Rock by Lil’ Wayne The line: “My room is the G spot. Call me Mr. Flintstone, I can make your bed rock.”

 

One of my complaints about popular top 100 music is that it’s humourless – or maybe like e-mail, it just has no indicators for when it’s meant to be funny or ironic. Is it possible this is a joke? Reading the rest of the lyrics does not support that thesis however humour is personal. But I’m very happy to hear that Mr. Lil Wayne has his own G-spot. Good for him.

 

Song: I'd catch a grenade for ya by Bruno Mars. The line: Throw my hand on the blade for ya. I'd jump in front of a train for ya (or any other line)

 

I just feel sorry for Bruno. This guy has it bad, and to his credit is not embarrassed to put himself and his SM proclivities out there for the world to sing along. I do like this line though: You smile in my face then rip the brakes out of my car. You really get a feel for how heartless and well-versed in auto-mechanics she is. But if she did that, she’d die too, and that's clearly not her style, so I'm confused.

So I’m hanging/posting my shingle and offering words to all current and up-and-coming rock stars, rap stars and pop stars.

Yo! Whoa! STOP being the object of ridicule. Don’t stain the seats of your Maserati or sit quietly crying in your Beverly Hills or Malibu beach house. For a reasonable price, I can wipe away all the sadness in your pants and reinvent your plastic bags.

 

[BTW: While poking about I found this site that made me laugh out loud in a public place.]

 

 

 

Add new comment

Plain text

  • No HTML tags allowed.
  • Web page addresses and e-mail addresses turn into links automatically.
  • Lines and paragraphs break automatically.
CAPTCHA
This is to check for spam.
Image CAPTCHA
Enter the characters shown in the image.
By submitting this form, you accept the Mollom privacy policy.