December 2013

Not so Ho, Ho, Ho

I hate the time around Xmas and New Years.  Have for decades. I resent the fact that as a Jew, I have to bear the burden of 2,013 yrs of Christian hegemony. It seems unfair. 

The new normal - or getting to know the Windsor area

No News is No News – At Least No Brain Cancer News

The news I was waiting for last Friday at my Odette Cancer Centre appointment, the news about the "enhancement", the incidental finding in my brain they tripped over during the MRI, the one they sent off, unconcerned, for "a bit more testing", the one that jacked up my anxiety level, repeatedly... There was no news on that.

Last night I had a chemo anxiety dream

I dreamt I went for my treatment and hadn’t brought the drugs I needed with me. With Canadian chemo all you need to bring is your arm and some anti-nausea meds you pay for out-of-pocket if you don’t have a drug plan. But my dreams are taking place in other parts of the world where you have to BYOCD, bring your own chemo drugs. The nurses in my dream were annoyed, and blamed me for contravening the BYO. I was sent away to find what I needed.

One Day – Just one cancer-free day

Turns out, cancer is everywhere. It’s not like I’m looking for it, but I'd have to stay home with the radio off not to hear it mentioned umpteen times a day. Like the 17 months when I was trying desperately to conceive, and all I saw were pregnant women.

Party Girl

Last night I went to a party for my friend Tae, who is leaving for 6 months sabbatical in California. I know Tae can look cancer shit up from there, I've heard that Google and Google Scholar work in California.

Click to Fast Forward

There’s almost nothing zen about me. But the one bit of eastern philosophy I’ve consistently practised is to not wish time away. Never to say: I can’t wait until Friday. I can’t wait until the trip to Cuba. I can’t wait until all this cancer treatment is over.

Whoa Nellie

I guess Dr B was optimistic when she told me I’d have results from the lumbar puncture one day later. The nurse says it takes about a week and a half. Curious discrepancy. Doctors and nurses have different preoccupations.

So This Is What Tired Feels Like - So Far

I can’t bear to compare what I’m feeling now to the few days after my first son was born. It seems indecent. But there is a similarity in the sheer body exhaustion. I just don’t remember crying as much.  And of course, there's no baby as a reward. Plus, I knew then that every day would get easier, and the fatigue would lift, but I now have no idea what I’m facing. It’s hard to imagine I’ll feel this tired, maybe way more tired, for the next six months.

Extreme Sport of Cancer

I’m drinking. Water, water, water. Dandelion tea. Apple juice, apple juice, dandelion tea. Water, water, water.  Should I set the alarm during the night to drink more?